Marriage, Family, Singleness, and Dating

Marriage, the family, singleness, and dating continue to be hotly debated topics. In the following discussion, we cover questions such as: What is the purpose of marriage? Is marriage a contract or covenant? Is procreation an essential part of marriage? How should Christians think about birth control? What constitutes a family biblically? How are we to understand the biblical purpose and vision of family? What does it look like to cultivate masculinity and femininity in our children? What is the gift of singleness? Is dating biblical? and more.

MARRIAGE

What is the purpose of marriage biblically? 

Well, biblically, Genesis 1:27 says that God created humanity male and female, and he told the man and the woman to “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and [to] have dominion” (Gen. 1:28). So, the married couple is normally to procreate and have children. They are to partner in managing the earth for God and for his glory as his divinely appointed representatives.

Is marriage a contract or a covenant?

In chapter 4 of God, Marriage, and Family, we discuss marriage conceived as a contract as compared to marriage as a covenant. The contractual view is the main secular view in Western culture. It views marriage as a bilateral agreement that is voluntarily entered, maintained, and dissolved by two individuals. Such an agreement is often conditional upon the continued performance of contractual obligations by the other partner. The partners enter into for their own benefit, and the duration is often temporary.

Marriage as a covenant, on the other hand, is a sacred bond between a man and a woman. The couple enters marriage publicly before God and normally consummate it by sexual intercourse. As Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

How should we be thinking about headship and submission according to Scripture? 

In the Bible’s creation narrative, we read that God made the man first, and then the woman from the man and for the man, as his suitable helper (Gen. 2:18, 20). God gave the man, as the leader or head of humanity, certain responsibilities and command before he created the woman. Then, at the fall, the man was held primarily responsible for the couple’s transgression.

In the New Testament, we read in Ephesians 5:22–24, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”

Then, Paul tells husbands to love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25). So we see that God assigned to the man a role of leadership (or headship) and to the woman a role of submitted helper. They are partners in procreation and in managing the earth for God, with the man as the leader.

Is procreation an essential part of marriage? 

As God originally intended it, as we’ve seen, procreation is certainly an essential part of marriage. The fall, of course, has complicated matters. In God, Marriage, and Family, we list four purposes for sex in marriage. They are procreation, companionship, the public good (marriage benefits and provides stability for society), and pleasure. So we would say that “Procreation is … the natural outflow of sexual union unless hindered by contraception …, thwarted by abortion, or prevented by infertility.”

How should Christians think about birth control? 

Of course, this is a debated issue and not explicitly addressed in Scripture, so we have to operate on the basis of biblical principle. There is nothing in Scripture that says that every act of sexual intercourse must potentially result in conception. So I believe contraception is permissible if we define it as preventing conception. The problem is that many contraceptive devices used today act after conception has already occurred. This amounts to abortion, and of course that’s wrong. So if you’re contemplating various methods of contraception, make sure the method you’re using is preventing conception. It is sin to kill the life that’s already been created by having sex.

FAMILY

What constitutes a family biblically? 

As you know, there are many definitions of “family” today. We would define family essentially as, “primarily, one man and one woman united in matrimony (barring death of a spouse) plus (normally) natural and/or adopted children and, secondarily, any other persons related by blood.” In biblical times, you typically see extended families living together in one household. In modern Western culture, however, a family is normally comprised of the nuclear family of father, mother, and children.

What is the biblical purpose and vision of family?

In addition to what I’ve already said about marriage before, if God blesses a couple with children, there is the added purpose to “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). Overall, as all of God’s creation, a family is, as Paul says repeatedly in Ephesians, “to the praise of his [God’s] glory.” Marriage and family are God’s wise, good, and beautiful design. They are wonderful and highly beneficial for us as his people and point to his wisdom and goodness and bring him glory and praise.

What does it look like to cultivate masculinity and femininity in our children?

Well, “what does it look like” presupposes we know what masculinity and femininity is, and of course this is debated. Most would agree that we are not talking about external, superficial stereotypes here but about a deeper, inner reality of being created by our Creator as man or woman.

The man, as a leader, should accept the responsibility to lead and take initiative to provide and protect. The woman, as his compatible partner, should be nurturing and caring, especially toward her husband and children. She should be willing to submit to her husband’s leadership, yet partner with him intelligently and creatively.

These are the types of qualities we should strive to cultivate in our boys and girls, then: leadership qualities in boys, along with generic qualities such as integrity, purity, and others; nurturing and caring qualities in girls, again along with generic qualities such as diligence, perseverance, and others.

SINGLENESS

How is singleness viewed in the Old versus the New Testament? 

Yes, that’s a very interesting topic. We have an entire chapter, chapter 9, devoted to this topic in God, Marriage, and Family. In fact, there is a remarkable trajectory moving from the Old to the New Testament in Scripture. In the Old Testament, singleness is extremely rare and limited to widows, eunuchs, those with unusual economic or other hardships such as leprosy or abject poverty, or an extremely rare divine call (Jeremiah 16 being the sole example). Then, in the New Testament, singleness is viewed more positively, as God’s gift to some to enable their single-minded devotion to the Lord.

Let’s now unpack the “gift of singleness.” First, what is it?

The “gift of singleness,” or celibacy, is mentioned by both Jesus and Paul in Matthew 19 and 1 Corinthians 7, respectively. In Matthew 19:12, Jesus refers to “eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.” In 1 Corinthians 7:7, Paul says, “I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.” Just like there are other spiritual gifts, God gives to some in the New Testament era the gift of undivided devotion to himself in form of remaining unmarried.

How common is it?

People debate this, but I would say singleness is not terribly common. It is a gift for the select few. The norm, as it has in the beginning, is still marriage (though not everyone who would like to get married will get married because of various factors).

Is it permanent or temporary?

The gift of singleness is permanent, though there are, of course, those who are currently single who will eventually get married, proving that they did not have the gift of singleness.

How do you know if you have it?

There is usually a lessened desire for sex and a greater freedom to pursue serving the Lord, for example in cross-cultural missions. My college roommate, Andy Smith, for example, has never married and has served the Lord as a missionary to the Philippines for almost thirty years. He is perfectly content in his singleness and has leveraged his singleness for extremely effective missionary service.

DATING

Dating: Is it biblical? 

That’s not an easy question to answer, since dating is not mentioned specifically in the Bible. In Old Testament times, marriages were often arranged (Isaac and Rebekah in Genesis 24 being the most prominent example). So, dating is neither biblical nor unbiblical, it depends in part on how dating is defined and carried out. My wife and I discuss this issue in our books on parenting, Parenting Essentials and Equipping for Life. There we advocate what we call a friendship approach, that is, getting to know a potential spouse in a group setting before pursuing an exclusive relationship with them.

Of course there has to be a path in our culture where young people can get to know each other and assess if a given person is a potential marriage partner. So today the language I’ve heard used is that a young man and a young woman are “talking,” which is preliminary to dating as a potential on ramp to a dating relationship. So some of this is simply cultural, and, as you know, with social media many today meet their prospective spouse online or in some other unconventional format.

CONCLUSION

In this podcast, we discussed hotly debated topics such as marriage, the family, singleness, and dating. Among other topics, we covered questions such as: What is the purpose of marriage? Is marriage a contract or covenant? Is procreation an essential part of marriage? How should Christians think about birth control? What constitutes a family biblically? How are we to understand the biblical purpose and vision of family? What does it look like to cultivate masculinity and femininity in our children? What is the gift of singleness? Is dating biblical? In keeping with the vision for this website, and our book God, Marriage, and Family, we will do well to return and rebuild the biblical foundation for these vital topics that affect all of us. May God our Creation and Redeemer be praised for his good, wise, and beautiful design of marriage and the family!

Note: The above are my notes for The Church Matters podcast with Gabriel (Gabe) Davis, the lead pastor of Redeemer Church, recorded on Monday, August 5, 2024.